Slicker than deer guts on a door knob

Seems'stho we let this uh lil blog-loggie go untended for uhbit too long, ifyanowhat I mean. S'pose it's up to mahself to round up some words for the runnin so here goes somethin or uther.

Last nite I kicked the can with sum new buds backa house in Charleston IL.  My buddy Cliff moved back uppa that way a couple years ago and now here we are outside some big old house sippin some suds and he's talkin some good cuntry talk I ain't heafd inna long time. Letame explain: a little lass had gone and got herself a little bit too tipsy and rather than say something crass like "Oh SHIT that bitch is drrrrrrunk," my friend Cliff shoots, "well she's got three sheets to the wind," meaning oh that girl is gone. And gone she was!

That's why I call my friend by a phrase of his own: slicker than deer guts on a door knob.

Alright mah friends, take yr time then and now but let's here sum new words when ya can.

yonder blue hole

now dis heer big honkin tree is one uh der best dang jumpin trees ahevr did see. Somethin near wimberley, youhll see it sittin over a little river like in some ol huckleberry yarn. all the younguns from al'over come here everyday of the blazin summer to mount its altitudinous majesty before plunging themselves a barn's length down to the cool wet below.

Me, i jumped out it all my life. hell i can do it with my arms tied behind my back, blindfolded and half drunk of johnny walker, i tell you. Ewe think I'm kiddn? Heck nah!

There's this one lil redhead dogie, letssa call him Skeeter. he just loves shown how he can jump off dat tree. always was just runnin up derr with no hesitations. like he got something smart to prove. got all his muscles before he could even grow any hair on his lil pink chin. any case, us boys got tired his shon off. we tease him all every time. 'hey skeeter, what you tryn prove anyhow? you think you tuff huh kid?' He nin't like that nun and he went off stompin tarnation back up that younder tree. he ain't come down yet!

last week some silly tenderfeet came out here. said dey was from AUStin. well i swan dem runts just stared at us like we injuns. but we gave dem a hootin good welcome how any way. they might have der sweet sissy sophist-i-cation but we at least got deh best manners. cept skeeter o course.

oh and the other day one of da old womyn folk, specially concernd she was, got all up to talkin ta the leed lady ficial over at the endtrance. 'how do they keep from hurtin dey selves mam?' her face all twisted up like

'well dem kids lern kwik if dey don't kno't alruddy. dey best test dem waters deyself before dey jumpin outta no rivertree. Can't trust no one to touch a river bottom sides yrself.'

well that set her square as a .


Love dat der tree.

fayvorit plants - east texas is a speshul place

i am frum whut iz calld the pineywoods

"Rolling terrain covered with pines and oaks, and rich bottomlands with tall hardwoods characterize the forests of the east Texas Pineywoods. This region is part of a much larger area of pine-hardwood forest that extends into Louisianna, Arkansas, and Oklahoma. The average annual rainfall of 36 to 50 inches is fairly uniformly distributed throughout the year, and humidity and temperatures are typically high. The soils of the region are generally acidic and mostly pale to dark gray sands or sandy loams. Elevations range from 200 to 500 feet above sea level."
mi countee, calld angelina, iz rite ther batween the 1 an the 2. rich bottomlands! hoo wee! yes siree bob!

noaw i am gunna tel yall all about the plants n treez an thangs that i livd wit

this un heer iz a crabapple tree. it wuz rite bsyde the pond an it grows lil red crabapples that dun taeste gud AT ALL. i member one tyme we got sumone to make us sum jellee or jam outta those dang apples an it wus nastee, ew. the bark is kinda gray lookin an it didnt gro veree tall an then one day it dyed. i never did lyk that tree none cuz them apples werent no guud to eet an one time mi daddy wuz fishin an he swung the pole bak to cast an the hook caut mi eer!! aftr that i hid under the tree all the tym he wuz castin. but it shore duz hav pretee flaowrs.

the next un is problee my fayvorit of all dem. berrys. oh lawrd how i wud jus pik an pik n pik. filld bukets an bukets up! thay taystd so dam gud i cud cry jus thinkn on it. i wudnt eevn care that the berree bush wus thornee an wud often prik my fangers an ther wuz sumtymes crittrs hydn n the bush, those berrys wus wurth it all and sum sum mor. id take em n the hous, wash em up an drown the suckrs n suger and chomp em down. the joose wus so red the bottm of the bowl wood b blud red an dripn but id eet it to. i lykd too fynd the bigggest berree i cud but usullee that one taystd the wurst! i luvd too watch the berrys grow n chayng frum grean to red to black an spottn em out ther n the wuds wuz my fayvorit thang. i can styll cee them n my mynds eye, tayste them even.
the next un iz my secund fayvorit. thees ones smell the best of neethang ther iz. ther wuz a huug vyn n the veree frunt of my hous, livn butween the callums n i wud alwayz pik them n practiclee stuf them up my nos they smelt so gud. i also got reel gud at pinchn off the nd n slowlee pulln out the stem n trappn a beed of honee on the stem n taystn it. it wuz the sweetst nectar n the most beeuteefull flower.

this one is calld a lantana. i member that the leevs feel kinda ruf to the tuch. i caint member whut they smell lyk tho, seems to me they dont have much smell atall. i do no that onse plantd they will jus grow n grow, i plantd one manee yeers ago n by the tym i movd away it wus as big as cud b. i think sum rabbits livd nsyd it! the flowrs can b all kindsa culers, my plant had flowers of minee diferint colors.

oh boy this one reely iz my fayvorit! wen my parints got divorcd my mom movd nto town propr n the frunt yard of her home had the most wunderful magnolia tree i hav evr seen. it wus SO BIG. itz branchs swung to the ground an i wud crawl nsyd of it, wher it wus always lyk tin dugreez coolr n shadee n ded leevs littrd the ground, it wus quayt n a veree speshul playse fer me. i wud try to swing on the branchs but they wuznt strong enuff. the magnolia smells pretee gud if i member rite but i luvd most to pik up the red seeds that fell out of the magnolia cones, the cones wuz all furree n the seeds so nyce n red, slippry n shiney.

the mimosa is next. this is one beeuteeful tree. the flowers r so deleecit n whiskree, so full of culer. the leevs r lyk a big fan, n they clos up at nite! aint that funee! i luvd to run my fangers down the branch n take off everee last leef n the prasess. i can feel them tween my fangrs now. the flower is lyk a whiskr n cottin ball n they smelld not too strong but slyghtlee sweet. i wud clymb thes trees n my yard n i eevn carvd my nayme nto one of them. haha i also put my gum round a branch one day n yeers later that dang gum wus still ther! it had gottn all gray lookn tho.

ok wee almost dun. this is a persimmon tree. i actulee took thes pix. this is the funneest froot. taystes gud tho, sorta like a peach n apereecot. i caint ritelee member to tell u the truth. i member my horses shor did lyk em. this one grew outsyd my bak dor.

now wee git to sumthin nyce. pine trees. thes suckrs r all ovr east texas! awtum doz not acur n east texas becuz the trees nevr do change culer. evergreen thats what theys calld. i think that most peepul cud smell the pine n the ayr when they reech east texas but i wuz birthd ther so it has always ben n my lungs. thes thangs can git so tall, they r magestic! this is whut paper is made of. hole forests of thes r plantd, grown up, n cut down n turnd nto paper n thangs. east texas is nown fer its forestree industree. bak beehind my hous we had this land calld "the clearcut" becuz it wus a forest n then they chopd it all down n replantd it sos they cud chop it down agin. id ryde my pony n horses bak ther all the time n my dad eevn built a lil deer stand out ther. ther wus sum lil ponds n thangs out ther too. im gittn away frum myself now, thes trees r jus memoree holdrs fer me. pine trees dont have leaves they have needles. the branchs r thik wit resin n the cones r spikee. i will always member the sun shinin thru these trees n jus them been around evereewher.

SWEET GUM TREE! if u dun no whut a sweet gum ball is u aint got no bidness reedn this blog

heer is the wisteria. purple az can b n so nyce. a lovelee vine if ther ever wus one. this never did grow in my yard but one grew at my babeesittrs hous n i lovd it. the flower is lyk a clustr of grapes.

next tyme i am gunna rite on the bad plants n about deth

now that's wut I'uhd call

these right here are select lyrics for an upcoming stage song, yessir:

now that's wut ewe'd call
(now that's what i'd call)
now that's i'd call
(now that's what ewe'd call)
a healthy spud
(a healthy spud)
a healthy spud
(a healthy spud)

that's the REEfrain anyways. any gestions on fleshin that sucker out now?

red on blak, friend of jack. red tuch yella, kilt yew ded

i member wen i wuz nuthin but a lil ole kid id play all day n the yard jus runnin around pikin up stiks an throwen em down jus fer the hell of it. id magen i wuz sum kina adventurer out ther wit ownlee mi dawgs for companyonship an weed xplor the vast and unnoed landscape lookin fer trezur. mostlee we jus found barrys an botles cuz mi land wuz bilt on n old landfill - ore a trash heep. ther wuz a rustee washin masheen an lotsa tin cans n broke botles half n an half outa the dert. neeway i wuz a mightee reedr bak then, i had a hooge magenashun an mee an thous dawgs wood preetend to b pierits an travelrs, avengrs an resquers, nevr neewone hoo needed help, wee wuz alwayz the wones to cum runnin to giv help an save the day. ore at leest save the trezur. so on this partikular day mee an aaron, that wuz the name of mi veree best dawg, big old german shepard, hee wuz so ntellijent, wen i got home from skool i wood sneek reel quiet like out the frunt door an make sur the screen door didnit make no noize, cuz it shor cood b a laowd thang! an id run, but stil quiet lyk out nto the yard an id hyde beehind a tree an then cal his name laowd lyk AAAAAAARRRRRRROOOOOONNNNNNNN! an then id stik miself reel klos tew the tree an peek around an shur eenuff n a menit heer hed cum runnin, sniffin the graound, trien to git mi cent. hed find it, he alwayz did an it woodnt take him no mor n tew menits to find that tree i wuz hid beehind. i shor do mis that boy dawg. now i dun got miself hung up in thos tendr tendrils of memoree lane. so bak to mi storee. one day mee an mi dawgs and mi dad wer out n the yard pikin up stiks an pylin them up so mi dad cood moe layter. i wuz lookin around an i saw a snake!! scard mee haf to deth! i sayd DAD DAD LUK! hee saw it an hee wuz scard to! that sukr musta herd us screemem an raysin cane an i wawtchd him slithr an slyd nto a haol n a tree! dad toled me tew run git mi mom n i tuk off runnen. wee came bak, mee wit a shovl n her wit the shotgun. mi dad sayd hee wasnt gunna shoot a snake n a tree cuz hee wuz afrayd of the rikoshay but the shovel woodnt fit n the tree to git tew it tew kill that suckr. i caint member no mor how they got that snake so they cood kill him but a shot rang out an he wuz deder than a doornael. ownlee latr did we cum tew find out that the snake we kilt wuz a kingsnake. that meens, corrding to wikapeeda "The Common Kingsnake genus are known to be immune to the venom of other snakes and are known to eat rattlesnakes" n "Kingsnakes are commonly kept as pets, due to their ease of care. Kingsnakes are overall hardy and simple to care for. Their captive diet usually consists of appropriately sized rodents, prekilled. Giving live rodents is an illegal offense in some countries and may be bad for the snake's health, as the rodents are high in fat. Kingsnakes are generally docile, curious and gentle. Kingsnakes seem to enjoy being handled. They also seemed to be mesmerized by patterns flashing on a television." AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA if ownlee i cooda towld mi dad tew put that snake n frunt of the dang teevee n wee cooda kept that suckr az a pet n heeda aten up all thoze bad snakes n the yard. ooo wee mi dada never wooda buhleevd it. sheeet i dun buhleev it miself! wundr whut idgit found that out! gittin snakes tew wawtch teevee, peepul shor r funee. i theenk wee musta all thot that if itz a snake itz gota bee bad so itz gota bee kilt n caes it tryz tew kill us! but wee kild sumthang that waz a good creetchur, god's creetchur that snake wuz. so luk sumthang up on tha wikee beefor u go killn it. o n dont eet no rodints or varmitz cuz theyr hi n fat!

heer b sum niss thangs yall can luk at n cee whut im ramblen on

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kingsnake

http://images.google.com/images?source=ig&hl=en&rlz=&q=kingsnake&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wi

this un heer luks alot lyk the one that got kilt!